And of course there is depression…

I won’t dwell on this, but I do want it on the record. The post-partum of Landmarked has settled in. While I’m pleased I managed to write another story last week all the way to the end, I am disappointed that I didn’t use my time better and that what I ended up sending to the Writers Digest Pop Fiction contest won’t be really considered. Strong opening, but it’s very hard for me to write anything under 4000 words…even when I plan to write 4000 words. I made it: 3987, but the ending is so abrupt and so without finesse that it would be an embarrassment if I thought it was complete and done. My apologies to the judges at the WD.

However, if I remind myself of my original intent, I feel better. The intent was to write the story to the end and see what happens. And I did do that. I now know the ending. I know who the conflict comes from in the end. It just needs fleshing out and being this far now is a GOOD thing. Getting to an end, any end is really an accomplishment for me, because I am always putting it off. I love to spend time with the first part, the set-up, the build, but never seem to get to the end. A friend often tells me it’s the process I love, not the product.

Am I afraid of endings? I guess so. I mean, I force myself to write stories the first time through to the end, always doing exactly what I did with this short story. But then I put off finishing. I suppose it is the fear of not pulling it off that does it. And yet, why shouldn’t I pull it off? Most writers ultimately do, don’t they? Why do I think I can’t? I don’t have the answer to that question. After over twenty years of being serious, and five years of being dead serious, one would think…

So I go through my day plagued by this draining feeling. Let down. Slowed down. Dreading. The solution? There are only two: writing and napping. Three if you count eating till it hurts. But since it’s only 7:00 AM, napping seems just a bit ridiculous. So I’m heading out to work. To listen to my “Believe” tape (heavy on American Idol songs and Bob Marley) and get the lead out. Wish me luck.

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